This is the second in a series of responses to essays that were submitted for a Retreat GiveAway to The Yoga of Change March 20-23. People wrote about why this is the perfect time in their life for a yoga retreat. I, Jennifer Hubbard, along with my sister, Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions; What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, will be responding together. Our approaches are different, but complementary. We welcome your response and hope this will become a conversation. Please direct responses to: Jennifer –at- self-authoredchange.com.

Original Essay:

I am overwhelmed with the pain and loss I have endured over the past 2 years. I am extremely close to my family and over the past two years I have dealt with the deaths of an aunt, an uncle and my beloved father. I have also cared for my father prior to his death and continue to care for my brother who suffered a stroke 2 years ago.

I am not a nurse but I have become the caretaker in my family; I volunteer to take care of everyone. This however, was not a burden it was a gift because I was able to spend precious time with my father.

During this time, I married and I have two jobs, a day job and a night job.

My Father passed away in September. It was the saddest day of my life and my life will never be the same. I am lost without my Dad and my life has become empty. The time I was able to spend with him was very special to me. I would do it all again, if I could. I have no regrets of those times with my Dad; they were very special and will live in my heart forever. I believe that my Dad is here with me every day and I know that someday I will see him again.

I have learned that I am very good at taking care of everyone else, and not so good at taking care of myself. I am very much in need of some time away, time to focus on myself and re-center.

Through all of these very difficult times, I have lost myself. I am committed to nurturing my soul and this retreat would be a great gift.

K. A.

Our Response:

Dear K.A.,

There is a true story about a famous Indian Saint who was beloved and treated like a King by his students. While travelling, he fell ill and since he lived and dressed simply, he was taken for a beggar and put into a miserable charity hospital. His mat was beside the latrine, where he lay sick for days before his students discovered him, lying next to the filth. They immediately took steps to move him into a luxurious private ward, but he refused. He merely said, “It takes all of my skills, developed over a lifetime of self-development to handle this situation, how could I possibly leave this spot and know that some suffering, less fortunate soul will have to lie here. No, I am equipped to handle this place, I will be fine.”

Sometimes, we are called on to be this Saint. In order to handle life’s catastrophes, we can embrace practices that help us to find the lotus blossom in the mud. I want to ask you what you do for yourself? I would like to support you in the understanding that you must be for yourself first. You need to inhale before taking on challenges, before moving forward. What would feed you? Taking a yoga class, a dance class, painting, writing, music, philosophy? Do any of these words bring a spark of hope back into you? Follow that spark.

Both Karla and I agree that we would not recommend a retreat for you now. When life becomes painful it is natural to want to get away from the pain, but the pain and grief need to be sat with, accepted and integrated. The familiar places and people of your life are what you need to draw near to you now and your yogic practice should focus on setting boundaries for yourself and your practices should be consistent. You do need some respite and rest, however, it would just be best if you stayed put to do it.

From your letter, I would recommend practices that create strength, nurturing routines and boundaries for you. Losses of loved ones create holes that need to be healed, and our own center rediscovered. I would actually recommend that you say NO to something, and soon. It would be ideal if you said NO because you had an appointment for a massage or a manicure, something completely indefensible, aside from the fact that you really WANT to do it. (I call this NOga!) We all need to learn to take time for ourselves, and make certain that our lives contain sweetness and I don’t mean candy!

I lost my Mother last year, and I learned firsthand that grief is quite powerful, strange and uncontrollable at times. My teacher counseled me to go through the center of it, like a brave warrior, and I found that advice to work for me. My Mother’s birthday was last week, and in the African Tradition, I asked her to be an angel for me. Native African wisdom says that you should call on your ancestors for help. They believe that the dead do not have enough to do, and are always ready for a task. I love this idea. Could you ask your beloved Father for help through this transitional time? Remember that great loss is only possible with a great gift of Love. Your relationship with your Father was precious and you can heal by remembering and feeling in your heart all of the gifts he gave you.

From a yogic standpoint, the key to moving on and through this time is the ability to “digest” the experience. We can get stuck with emotions by trying to process them with our minds, and our minds can only digest ideas. You will notice if you sit quietly with your feelings of grief that they are located somewhere in your body – if they are in your head, ask them to move, towards your heart and belly. Once you begin to feel the emotional energy in your heart/belly center, watch them and ask for help in moving through them and discovering the gifts within them. Be brave and know that you can handle and process your emotions. Ask your Father for help with this, and other departed family members. Feel their presence and their love, which is still there and wants you wholly alive and happy. Contained in your grief is tremendous energy that can transform you, if you allow it to.

Shameless plug for Karla’s book alert (written by Jennifer). My sister Karla has a unique perspective on emotions, viewing them as gifts with messages. Her insights are remarkable and powerful. She taught me to see how moving and beautiful grief can be. Karla taught me to appreciate loss as a function of love and a fully lived life. The book is not out yet, but can be pre-ordered here: http://karlamclaren.com/index.php

Life feels empty now, but it is not, though it is difficult to see that right now. Know that this time will end, and you will be changed, hopefully with a heart broken open.
Know that you are beloved,

Jennifer & Karla

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