This is the fourth in a series of responses to essays that were submitted for a Retreat GiveAway to The Yoga of Change March 20-23. People wrote about why this is the perfect time in their life for a yoga retreat. I, Jennifer Hubbard, along with my sister, Karla McLaren, author of The Language of Emotions; What Your Feelings are Trying to Tell You, will be responding together. Our approaches are different, but complementary. We welcome your response and hope this will become a conversation. Please direct responses to: Jennifer –at- self-authoredchange.com.

Original Essay

Yoga. For so many reasons, yoga.

Someone said to me during graduate school that the only way she made it through was her yoga practice. I thought she was crazy. And then I started going. I always knew yoga was right for me…but as with everything that is good for me, I find ways to inch it out of my life. Push, push all the lovely things that I could do to take care of my heart. My body. My spirit. I am the mother of a three-year-old. He is beautiful, amazing, smart and funny. And so sweetly, so genuinely, he wants every tiny little piece of me. Some days I can’t give it all, some days I don’t have any to give. Some days I hold those little pieces of myself and selfishly shove them in my pocket so that he can’t grab them away. Then I fret at what a horrid mother I am.

And then why I might not have much of myself left to share. I am a speech language therapist. I spend my days on the floor with little people who may never, ever talk. Who have spent their lives in wheelchairs and have never communicated with words, but who give you the biggest smile when you make the smallest effort to notice them. With big-little people who don’t know how to find the right words in their heads. Medium-sized little people who, desperately hope that in their scant half-hour a week with you, that you might have the magic to put these things in their heads that they can’t seem to. And I think I might worry more about how I am going to fix these kids than whether or not I am a good mother.

I am learning that I have to take care of me too. I am watching, with compassion, how easy it is for me to give, and give myself nothing. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that all forms of yoga are the answer to every question. My spirit sings when I walk into a yoga class. Ahh, yes, this is where I have belonged all along. THIS is home.

VM

Our Response

Dear VM

One of the reasons that I love to teach yoga is the ability to share the incredible experiences available through these simple, profound practices. Your words describe this experience beautifully.

The on again off again practice of yoga is a very predictable pattern. Yoga is always there waiting for you, when you are ready. A retreat can be a wonderful way to re-engage with healthy practices, and I have participated in retreats as a student and teacher numerous times. All of the retreats were wonderful experiences of returning to my own center and helping others to return to theirs. My own observation is that few people focus on taking this sense of wonder and beauty back into their daily lives. That, I feel, is a real disservice to Yoga.

My focus, in my own practice and my teaching is to bring this sense of wholeness off of the yoga mat and into life. How could you practice yoga in your work and as a Mother? Well, I don’t have your answers, but I can share some things that are helping me as a Mother and professional.

Your work sounds challenging and fulfilling. As a therapist, you can practice yoga by letting go of any attachment to what happens, and simply be fully present with your student. Simply bring your powers of observation and training into the room and show up fully with reverence and humility for what is possible. You can deeply understand that real opening and healing is beyond our full comprehension, though it is gorgeous and awe inspiring to watch.

We can give of ourselves without giving ourselves away. We can stay centered as we serve others. The key is to remember to move into challenges after taking a deep breath. You can practice this on your yoga mat but remember that the mat is a place to practice and prepare for living your life in a deeply connected and reverent way.

I am not always skillful, so don’t think that I am giving you this information from a fully realized place. I am learning to ski this year, and discovered that I wasn’t breathing AT ALL when things got difficult. I laughed at myself when I noticed the fact that I was holding my breath! The effect of my yoga practice is that I noticed pretty quickly that I wasn’t breathing normally – it felt off. And I rediscovered for the thousandth time that simply focusing on my breath improved my skiing immensely.

Ahimsa is the yogic concept of non-harming. It has been rather narrowly defined by some yoga schools as being a vegetarian. I believe that non-harming is a profound and far reaching concept that must start with the self. I watch students push themselves on their yoga mats, not allowing the breath to take them into difficult places and not allowing their bodies to say whoa! I encourage these students to slow down and honor the messages from their bodies and breath, and to accept their limitations and wounds with compassion and gentleness. So, if you find yourself wondering if you are a horrible Mother, stop (breathe), and ask yourself what you need.

Taking care of yourself is important for you and for your son. Psychology says that he will internalize you as the feminine side of himself. A loving, caring, and self-preserving Mother is a great gift.

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